Emotions Are Irrational
by me.no.know
Summary: And recently I realized just how much I had come to depend on him as well as believe in him. Yet I know that coming to trust and put your faith in the most deceitful and faithless being to exist was the most foolhardy thing a person could do. Not Seb/Ciel
1. Chapter 1

_It was late evening in London. The Phantomhive family was in town for the Season, and within the confines of their London home, a man in stood in the middle of the second floor hall in front of his son's bedroom._

Knock Knock

_"Ciel? Ciel?"_

Knock Knock

_"Son? I know you're in there because you locked the door."_

_After more insistent knocking, a defiant little voice rang out from within the room._

"_Go away."_

_"Ciel?" The man called from infront of the door. "Your mother said you're upset with me. She said that you have been in your room for hours and she's worried. What's wrong?"_

_"Nothing."_

"'_Nothing'? It has to be something if you are this upset."_

"_Go away."_

"_No, son." said the man firmly. "I want you to tell me what is bothering you. I'm your father; you can always talk to me. You know that."_

_There was silence on the other side of the door so the man continued, "I love you, Ciel, and if I upset you, I want to know about it. So why don't you tell me?"_

"_I said its nothing, daddy! Leave me alone!"_

_It was quiet for a few minutes, but the man soon heard sniffling and soft sobs coming from the little boy in the room._

"_Ciel," said the man softly. "Ciel, son, please open the door. Let's talk about this, okay?"_

_The man listened quietly to his son's crying before he heard the lock click and saw the door open slightly._

"_Okay, daddy."_

Knock Knock Knock

"Young Master, your afternoon snack is ready." called a voice from the other side of the door breaking me out of my reverie.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ah, come in."

Another day in the Phantomhive manor, I had been lost in thought when my butler came knocking on my office door. It had been a rather uneventful week; the Queen hadn't requested my services for a while, leaving me a lot more time to myself.

"More of this stuff?" I complained looking down at the silver platter with small cakes that had dog paw prints in the center of each.

"I apologize, Young Master." Sebastian said pleasantly. "As I have said before the other house help bought copious amounts of this a few months ago. However, if it pleases the master, I could make something more suited to his taste."

I sighed. "No, its fine. I have a lot of work to do so you may take your leave."

With his right hand over his chest he bowed slightly. "Understood." He said shutting the door behind him.

_That last look he gave me . . ._I couldn't help but wonder if he noticed. The truth was, I hardly had any work to focus on at the moment for the Queen, obviously, or even for my own company. I just haven't wanted him around lately if it was not necessary. With the current un-eventfulness in the Underworld, I have been left with a lot of time to think, and the things I have only recently come to realize have been troubling me.

During what will probably have been the darkest period of my life, that month, the month my parents died and I was tortured and treated with such cruelty, I lost faith in all things. Everything I used to believe in, all things that were significant and meaningful in my life, meant absolutely nothing.

Hatred. That was all I was left with. Everything else had been stripped away, forcibly taken. But I had found a way out. A long shot in the dark it may have been, but it was still a chance and reason for hope. A hope that I would not be left a powerless child. It was a hope that I would have the power to humiliate those who have put my family's name to shame and engrave the pain I suffered that month into their lives . . . permanently. As small a chance as it was, I reached for that spider's thread of what was left. To this day, my reason for hope has not left my side.

There are still things, people, that though I would never admit it to anyone, I love even now. People like Lizzie, my late parents and aunt. But the thing that I have never allowed myself to do again was put my faith in anyone or anything, even these people. I thought that this would be easy because of past experience, that there was no way it would be possible even if I tried . . . Until now.

Sebastian has been my butler for the past two years and not once has he let me down. He has been able to execute any task I command that he perform even when the odds are against him or I do things out of spite to make things more difficult. And recently I realized just how much I had come to depend on him as well as believe in him. I know that coming to trust and put your _faith_ in the most deceitful and faithless being to exist was the most foolhardy thing a person could do and yet still, for some reason I have become very dependent on him and have even, in a way, started to look up to him. He may be just my butler but the thing that truly bothers me is not just what I'm feeling, but who he has started to remind me of in a lot of ways.


	3. Chapter 3

I decided to go out into the garden. Maybe some fresh air would help me clear my head. There were so many things that I was trying to sort out.

I had just come to terms with what exactly Sebastian was starting to mean to me and was starting to wonder just exactly what I was to him. Obviously, yes, I was his Master. He served me, and accomplished anything I asked of him so long as it was within the boundaries of our contract. But was there anything else? Could I mean anything more to him? This is another thing that I had a lot of time to think about lately. I noticed that he did seem to go out of his way to do things for me that he was never ordered or required to do. Like the time he fixed the ring that Lizzie broke, or how he shielded my eyes to keep me from seeing the dead prostitute the night that we discovered that "Jack the Ripper" was Madame Red and Grell Sutcliff. There are other things too, and I am honestly starting to believe that he looks out for me in ways that are unrelated to our contract, and it would seem, that he might actually care for me.

I walked down the wide steps that led to my backyard and was upset –but not at all surprised – to find that Finny had found another way to kill half the plants on the premises and to see Sebastian trying to fix his new mess.

He was alone. Busy, but alone. If there was anything I wanted to know, now would be the perfect time to ask. It would be possible to casually – so he wouldn't suspect anything - start a conversation with him and ask him what exactly he thought of me. After all, he had said before that he wouldn't lie to me, right? But, no. I couldn't, could I? He would wonder, he would suspect what I didn't want him to know. What would he think of me then? I try not to show any hint of weakness to anyone, least of all him. Still, now would be a good time, possibly the only time, I would get to talk to him-

"SEBASTIAAANN!" I heard someone yell before getting the chance to make my decision.

Without bothering to even look up from the rose bush he was trimming, Sebastian ducked seconds before a very feminine man with long red hair who was descending from the sky could get a hold of him and went skidding into the dirt.

"Sebastiaaann!" said Grell blushing. "I was just in the neighborhood and decided to stop by! I thought we could hang out! So what'd ya say? Wanna go on a D-A-T-E date?!"

"No." replied Sebastian still not even taking the trouble to look at the infatuated man. "There's too much to be done here, even if I wanted to leave."

"O-okay." said Grell looking slightly put out. But, quickly recovering he then asked, "Wh-what about later this afternoon?"

"I have to make preparations for the Young Master's dinner."

"Later tonight?"

"I have to assist the Young Master in preparing to retire for the evening."

"Later, later tonight?"

"I have to make preparations for tomorrow morning; the Young Master has a meeting with a very important client."

Grell pouted. "Awww, why are you so busy, Sebby?"

Sebastian smiled. "A butler's work is never done."

"You're so dedicated!" Grell squealed before adding maliciously, "That little brat is lucky you care so much about him."  
"Grell, I ask that you refrain from referring to the Young Master in such a demeaning manner, but in regards to your last comment, I am simply a butler doing his job.

"Well, yeah . . ." said Grell hesitantly. "You're doing your job, but you seem to always go the extra mile for that kid."

"Nothing but excellence is to be expected by a butler serving under the Phantomhive family. Where would we be otherwise?"

Grell regarded Sebastian skeptically as he continued to trim the rose bushes. "What exactly does he mean to you then?"

Was this it? Was I about to have the question that had been weighing on my mind for some time now answered? I waited anxiously – but warily – for his response.

Sebastian was quiet as he snipped the rose bush. At first I thought he was ignoring Grell, but after a few minutes he spoke.

"The Young Master and I have a contract. According to that contract I am to be what I am now, his humble servant. And I am to serve him until he has accomplished what he has set out to do. Its as simple as that."

"You say that, but you still do things for him that in no way benefit you and put you in harms way." Grell said jealously. "You can be rather selfless when it comes to that boy."

Sebastian laughed. "You forget what I am, Grell. It is true that I serve my master selflessly; however, I do have something to be gained from it all. There truly is no such thing as altruism; no one acts on selfless terms without regard to how it will affect themselves. My situation is no exception to this. I am but a tool to be utilized by my master, as he is but a means to my end."

So that was it.

Despite what I had been starting to see him as, nothing had changed for Sebastian. I felt like a complete fool for believing for even a second that it was possible for someone like him to feel anything, least of all, toward me. Still, it hurt. As if someone had just slapped me hard across the face, I walked back inside dazed, his words still stinging.

I locked myself in my office for the next couple of hours, trying to occupy my mind and keep myself from thinking about what had occurred this afternoon. I went through my mail, handwrote a few invitations to other aristocrats I was acquainted with, and went over the Funtom Company's inventory list at least five times, but it was no use. Like a broken record, I could still hear fragments of what Sebastian had said earlier this afternoon echoing over and over and over without end.

He was- He still is, the only thing in this world that I can truly depend on, but after all that he had said I didn't know if I could ever face him again. Surely I would have to sometime, but not now. Not if I could help it. I looked at the clock and realized that it was almost time for my evening meal and that Sebastian would come to call me soon.

I quickly decided to go to my room and lock the door before he could get me, if I pretended to have fallen asleep he would probably leave me alone, for the rest of the evening at least. I gathered the envelopes that were strewn across my desk, threw a couple of books on a shelf (whose proper place was much too high for me to reach), and was about to leave but I only got as far as unlocking and opening the door because blocking my only exit was a tall man in a black tailcoat.

"Ah, there you are, Young Master." he said. "This evening's meal has been prepared."

"I won't be eating tonight." I said trying to get around him. I had lost my appetite quite some time ago.

"Oh? May I ask why?" he asked pretending not to notice my attempts to pass him.

"I am retiring early this evening. I've been working all day and I'm tired."

Sebastian looked concerned, though it probably was for the fact that his cooking was about to go to waste since it couldn't have been meant for me. "But, Young Master, a growing young man needs to receive the proper amount of nutri-"

"Sebastian I order you to not press the issue any further." I snapped shoving passed him into the hall.

I started walking in the direction of my room, all the while expecting to hear the usual "Yes, my Lord," or "As you command," instead he asked, "Young Master, if I may be so bold to say, you seem upset with me. Is something the matter?"

"No. Its nothing."

"I don't believe that to be a fact, master. It does not appear to be, as you have said, 'nothing'."

"What's it matter to you, anyway?" I snapped.

"As your butler, I wish to know if I have done anything to upset the Young Master. Is there a problem in the way I have been performing my duties?"

"No." I responded irritably trying to walk away.

"Has my cooking been unsatisfactory?"

He was really pushing it.

"No."

"I can't keep trying to guess." He said with a pleasant smile. "If I have been insufficient in my work or have done something to upset you, I wish to know. So why don't you tell me?"

"I SAID ITS NOTHING, DAD! STOP IT!"

_Damn!_

Sebastian had a look of utter shock on his face. "D-Dad?"

I slipped up. I needed to get out of here.

"I will be retiring early this evening," I repeated. "Don't bother to come help me."

With that, I ran off.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the idea for this fanfic.**

"Good grief." I mumbled looking out of a window that had a good view of the garden. It had only been a couple of hours since I had finished cleaning it (or what was left of it), and Finny had already found a way to kill the other half of the trees that still remained after his first catastrophe of the day.

I sighed. Well, that was a problem for another day; right now I had a more pressing issue on my mind, the Young Master. He had been acting rather strangely for a couple of weeks now, trying to avoid me and only coming in contact with me if it was absolutely necessary. Even then, he would send me away quickly, not wanting me to linger.

I had considered many possibilities as to why he had started acting this way, and until now I had thought it had to do with my performance as a butler. However, it now seemed to be another reason entirely.

I made my way to the Young Master's quarters. Despite what he had said about not helping him prepare for his evening's rest, I felt that I should. He could not even tie his own shoelaces without my help, let alone prepare for bed and it was unbefitting for a Noble to be so sloppy.

_Besides_, I thought with a smirk. _He technically never_ ordered _me to stay away._

I quietly opened the door to his room and was surprised to see that he had managed to change by himself, though the clothes he had worn earlier today were left in a messy heap on the floor. I picked them up and turned to leave, when I heard the boy on the bed release a shaky breath, his small frame shuddering under the sheets.

I looked back at him. Illuminated by the moon coming in through the open window, I could see his face and the wet streaks trickling down to his chin. Had he really been _crying_?

I took out a handkerchief and began wiping his tears. I had a tendency of forgetting that the Young Master was but a child. He has always been stubborn and strong-willed, definitely beyond the years of any twelve year-old I had come across. There were occasions, though, (today being a good example) where he would do or say things that reminded me of his adolescence.

_I SAID IT'S NOTHING, DAD! STOP IT!_

Is that what he saw me as, a sort of fatherly-figure? Surely, I take care of him and keep him safe, and in a way look out for what is in his best interest, but not in the same way a father would- not with the same intentions as a father.

"_Dad . . ._"

I sighed. Self-denial can only go so far, even then it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I have never met anyone quite like this young boy - which is saying something for the length of time I have lived – and the longer I'm with him, the more I find myself worrying about him and the decisions he makes, going, as Grell had said, "the extra mile" to ensure his health and well being. And recently I, too, have started to come to terms with what child might actually mean to me, though as surely as he would never admit to anyone that he had cried, I would never admit that I may be starting reciprocate his feelings.

What I had told Grell earlier today about altruism had been my stand point on the subject of selfless action for centuries. I personally, have never done anything for anyone without there being something for me to benefit from having done it. That was slowly starting to change with this young Earl. The irony of it was rather amusing, to think that the one finally able to contradict my philosophical views was a twelve year old boy with no intention of doing so.

The Young Master started to turn restlessly in his sleep, mumbling something incoherently that almost sounded like my name. He was obviously having a nightmare. It was strange seeing him so frightened and vulnerable for once; the sight of it was rather pitiful.

"Sebastian."

So he was calling for me.

"Sebastian. . ." He mumbled turning over. Had I not caught him he would have fallen off the bed.

"Shhh." I whispered running a hand through his hair, trying to soothe him. It was probably best if I tried to calm him before woke up to a painful, self-inflicted injury being that the nearest doctor was a half day's travel away.

Spending all this time with humans was starting to have its effects on me. I was starting to feel emotions that my kind typically didn't- no SHOULDN'T feel.

As I sat there on the edge of his bed, gently stroking his face, I began to wonder if I would actually be able to let him follow through with his end of the contract. At this point I was not completely sure I wanted the "benefits" I was to gain for my services as his butler.

Well, when the time came, I would worry about that. Until then,

"Sweet dreams, Young Master."

_A/N: Okay, Sorry if its a totally cliched fanfic, but I just had the idea and decided to run with it . . . I just realized that I haven't put any disclaimers until now . . . Oops. Hehe . . . Please review!!_


End file.
